2020, the year I didn’t race
As I am sitting here, in a room at the mountains, with part of my family, I realize how much this year has meant to me. Taking the last month as a social media hiatus to work on finding my way seems like a nice phrase to squeeze in here, right? But actually, in the past month or so what I did is cope with the idea I don’t feel like working anything out just yet.
Being a lawyer requires certain sacrifices that most of the times imply being out there, in the spotlight, talking nerdy stuff in boastful words which prospective clients can associate with a sort of elite. On the other hand, being an entrepreneur entails entertaining the social media constantly with news and useful data on your journey, how great your business is going and where you are at next in your quest to conquer the world.
I admit none of them strikes me as me, and, as such, I haven’t pursued a plan for neither. All of this years’ milestones, projects, posts, relationships and choices have sprung open from literally no compromise and no effort to being other than myself. In my own timing.
Is that a good thing? I have no idea. Is it a bad thing? Didn’t feel so, but I still don’t have a clear-cut answer to that either.
The fact is, I wanted to end the year with some heartily content since this is the only thing I am certain I want and can deliver for the time being.
I didn’t feel like writing lately, and that’s an indicator something is terribly wrong. Because I’m good at it, and I always feel great after writing something. Anything. Even as you are reading I still have second thoughts on the quality of this material since I feel my mind lacks the exercise to do this properly right now.
This year was the talk of the world. Almost everyone despises it, and no one ever wants to remember or repeat it. It was so hard for a lot of people I know, and challenging even for the best ones.
To me, this year was filled with epiphanies of all sorts, but, most of all, with understanding that no matter how much I am racing against time, the only thing that can give me the satisfaction of great choices is actually slowing down.
And though I’ve clearly realized that before, it always had a way of coming back to me as a sort of remorse. That I’m not racing hard enough, that I’m not ticking all the boxes, that I’m not working 24/7 again, that I’m not meeting more people, that I’m not younger, that I’m simply not good enough. It is a pretty hard and wacky thing to say in my line of business, because people always want to associate lawyers and, equally, entrepreneurs, with people who have all things figured out. With these confident individuals who seem to walk on water, decrypt the most difficult life riddles and always have an ace up their sleeves.
2020 wasn’t at my end about ticking all the boxes at all, on the contrary. I went with the no-plan plan, & prioritized things in a very unpredictable and bizarre way. Maybe it was because I was stuck in another country for more than 5 months. Or because of the pandemic. Or because I am an entrepreneur flying solo. Or because I visited Japan at the beginning of the year, and was left with this yearning to dig more for life’s true meaning. The thing is, 2020 was kind to me in ways I deem only fair to acknowledge.
It meant travelling (yes, I know, enviously paradoxical), reading great books, making new friends, letting some go, making amends for some misconceptions, receiving a helping hand from the unexpected, fusing my creativity through professional and fiction writing, getting out of my comfort zone, trying a new business, fundraising, participating at the largest tech event, losing a public procurement claim against myself, winning an interesting international assignment with a colleague I admire, and eventually slowing everything down at year end, in order to prepare for some of my biggest decisions yet in 2021.
What I’d like to convey though is that no matter where we think we are in our professional or personal paths, this year is not representative for the decisions (or their absence) it might have forced on us. There are so many things I have read and witnessed this year, that right now, when I wanted to write them down, nothing seems to come to mind in a very structured way. Why is that? Maybe it is because I am trying to much or because I am still in the slowing down mood.
The thing is, if there is actually something coherent about my 2020 is gratefulness. And here’s a list of things I was grateful for, big and small.
Unexpected friends, old and new
This year I got in touch more often with my high school, university or work friends, and it brought me so much warmth I haven’t really expected. Their support, their own insecurities shared, their funniness and conversational depth have reassured me I will never truly be alone in my thoughts, actions or choices.
Meeting wonderful new people. Online.
2020 had me meeting - surprisingly easy - people whom I couldn’t meet in person before, though we were part of the same circle. I met a great young journalist, a client who was more preoccupied with me invoicing him and paying on time than any other thing, a Romanian at the heart of European procurement, a startup manager who taught me more about my business and entrepreneurship that I thought I knew (for free), the most passionate and proactive Belgian business promoter I ever thought could exist, a team of Romanians proudly promoting businesses in Portugal, the most eye opening professor I had the most fragile hope to find (on decision making), creative and driven entrepreneurs relentlessly working their way through Websummit, to pinpoint just a few.
Self-discovery travels
This year kicked off in Tokyo. It was a chili evening in Shinjuku, I was feeling alone, & a bit sick when one guy I had a great chat with in the bus the day before asked me in the friendliest English French tone if I’m in for a shopping spree in Ginza. How could I have said no?! I was about to complain I can’t walk anymore to the metro station, my feet were killing me in addition to all the above inconveniences, when my colleague quickly decided for a cab. We walked in a very nice shopping mall, and there, an Italian friendly woman in the group picked up the dialogue with me & we clicked immediately. I abandoned the shopping race quickly because of logistics — inappropriate shoes. Yet, that was the start of a very nice bond I am happy to call on today.
Then, I got stuck in Sweden for a very long time, where the simplest facts unraveled to me. The cold isn’t that bad, walking around in comfortable shoes is pretty cool, and Sweden is the European America in way of living — the preference for jeans, white tees & caps, music, rules and food. I loved it. I rediscovered how much I love all animals, enjoyed rides in the countryside observing cows, reindeers, rabbits and all sorts of birds walking around the cities like they were owning the place. It felt natural that way & showed me a glimpse of how accommodating nature into our lives should look like.
Life revealing books
This year I received, bought and read a lot of books. My top ones are Alain de Botton’s The School of Life, Maja Lunde’s The end of the ocean, Safi Bacall’s Loonshots, Grant Overton’s The World’s 100 best short stories — humor, and Lewis Caroll’s Alice in Wonderland.
All of them have one thing in common — they revealed perspectives on life and the world I did not own before. I understood things that are different from how I see them are not necessarily bad. I was just missing the kind opening of a window into another part of the world. I have that to thank for to my friends who directed these books to me one way or another.
Mood fixing music
This year I made some very unusual friendships with people in their early 20s. And do you know what was the best part of it? Understanding and eventually admiring them. So that I allowed some fine cross generational exchanges, the best of which manifested in new music. There are a lot of famous sayings about music, but Guy de Maupassant basically calls it the strangest of arts — vague as a dream and precise as algebra. I concur.
Fiction writing
This year I decided to make writing a serious hobby, inspired by the insightful work on the importance of leisure laid down by a Romanian woman and published by Harvard Business Review. As such, I progressed this year more with my novel than I did in 4 years. Also, I wrote two short stories I am still tweaking for a release. They were inspired by the children of my French friend and the dog of my French neighbors. The first one is called “A swan in Tokyo”, and follows the adventures of Dante, the alien, Hana Tama and Aito, two kids on a mission to save the world from doomsday. The second is called simply “Numa”, and it’s about the journey of a dog’s soul into the perfect cat body in order to get his human friend on the right track. So yeah, I have the whole online roaming idea to thank for reading inspiring articles and studies which determined me into serious hobbying.
Pitching
I knew nothing about pitching, except the academic kind of approach. In 2020 I made 6 pitches, shot a pitching video and improvised almost every time. I observed some rules, but generally what I did find out about the pitching exercise was that it’s not that much about what the others will hear, but about the clarity you have when delivering your message. And my clarity got more clarity every time, if that makes any sense. It’s as much self-pitching as it is pitching for the person in front of you.
Giving is not easy
I tried giving in many ways along the years, because somehow this is coherent with my values. And it genuinely brings me joy. In 2020 I tried something I never did before — fundraising. That’s because I wanted to confront my own self on the fact I did not find it hard to do that. And I seemed to look at fundraisers in discontent. Like they’re doing this simple thing all day. I am happy to say I changed my mind. Fundraising is the hardest things I ever did. Even if it was for a good cause. And not because of the actual effort you put in to try to market the cause (never thought that would be a thing), but because of the disheartening feeling you’re left with at the end of a day. That you could’ve done more, that people you hoped for didn’t jump in, that the world may not be as good as you thought it would.
Under the excuse of my birthday though, I managed to raise almost half of the amount I planned, and, at the very end of the fundraising race, I was so happy about not reaching my goal. Because of the part I did manage to raise.
Taking a social media break
In the last months I struggled with finding my own idea of the future. 2020 put many of us at test in terms of plans and perspectives, and I am no different. So, instead of faking a clarity I lacked, I took a step back and had a bunch of weird digressions. Including when it comes to social media. I left LinkedIn behind for “easier” media. This has taught me we don’t live on social media, and that our worth has absolutely nothing to do with it. And that we should reduce it to the minimum necessary to survive as brands. The rest of it piles up like scrap in our consciousness, feeds on the time we should spend with people we like, and scratches at the door of insecurities on the account of an informational bias. On social media we don’t see the stories people don’t like bringing up. And that can’t possibly be good.
All in all, this post is my gift to the ones of you who might need it. It is an urge for you to think at the good stuff which surely happened in 2020 too, take on the due learning from it and treat yourselves in kindness. Maybe you didn’t ace that project or business, maybe you hit rock bottom, were left alone by the people you most relied on or simply had your entire way of living turned topsy-turvy. I am here to write that no matter what went wrong, being kinder to ourselves allows us to aim farther and run more resiliently the next race which starts in less than a week. So let’s slow down together for a couple of days, shall we?
Warmest thanks for this year’s multifarious surprises to all the people and business whom/which gave incorporate, dealmakers & myself the joy to keep going and prepare for 2021 with a lot more hope, grit and determination to make all of you constantly a part of our story.
